somefatchick

Things have since been resolved, and we’re working harder than ever on making each other happy. Yet, I can’t bring myself to delete this, because it was very much true at the time, and deleting it would feel like I was trying to hide things. I don’t want to hide things anymore.

Today was a memorable day, a day that I won’t ever forget, even if I live a hundred more years. A day when something of such epic proportions played out right before my eyes that my life, my mind, and my entire being will never be the same.

Oh, and we got a new president. Hurrah!

But a bit closer to home, the news was not quite so cheer-inducing. My husband is leaving me. For reasons I can’t exactly explain here, he’s leaving. And I almost believe him this time. And yes, there have been other times.

Pretty much every September, J gets into a terrible way, we fight, and he either tells me he’s leaving or tries to kick me out. And every time, I stop him from leaving. Not only do I cry and beg, but I physically stand in his way until the anger subsides. Every year, multiple times a year, since we’ve been married. After the time this fall, I swore that I wasn’t going to do it anymore. You can’t force someone to stay with you, and I’m tired of guilting him into not leaving.

I broke my own pact in December, when I once again begged him to stay. Our problem, though, is that we get over it, but we never address the actual problems that caused it in the first place. It’s like we had a bamboo pole that started to split, so we wrapped it in duct tape. The duct tape only holds for so long, and then we have to add more, and suddenly the whole damn pole is wrapped up, looking very much not like itself at all. And one day, it finally snaps.

I think the pole snapped today. I don’t want my marriage to be over. I got married forever. Divorce was not an option, not even something I considered. But I can’t make him stay. We’ve both fucked up. I want to work on fixing it. I want my best friend back. He rejects every idea I have, will not even consider counseling. I don’t think it’s right to throw away nearly 8 years without even trying, but he says we’ve been trying for years.

I love him. I want him. I don’t want this. I’ve known. I’ve known for awhile that it wasn’t right. Probably since…umm, when did I stop posting regularly? Yeah. But I didn’t think it would come to this, and I certainly didn’t think it would go down like this. What can I do? He means so much to me, but he doesn’t want to hear it. I’m flat out exhausted from trying to keep him here. If he doesn’t want me, what else can I do?

Oh, and my semester starts tomorrow. Yippee! My mind will totally be focused on school. Christ.